


Lonely, Lonely Little Life.

by gonerr



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: AND GAY, He gets better, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I suck at tagging, Lovesickness, M/M, Oblivious, Sad, asshole pete, gabe is so supportive, im sorry pete, oblivious ryan, with william
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:38:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4462199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonerr/pseuds/gonerr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You kissed a guy? And you liked it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So It Seems I'm Someone I've Never Met

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry for this, i really am. I also suck at writing, but here I go.

It was all Gabe's fault to begin with. If it wasn't for him, Brendon wouldn't have ever thought about anything like this.

Girls were always so pretty, and they always smelled so nice. Like sugar and flower gardens, and Brendon _loved_  sugar and flower gardens. Therefore, Brendon liked girls. They also had soft hair and pretty pink lips, and soft skin. 

So it was fair to say that Brendon liked girls, because he was attracted to 'all of the above.' Now the problem actually began when Gabe Saporta - whom Brendon is  _very_ terrified of, thank you very much - pointed out, that Ryan Ross also could categorize in 'all of the above.' Brendon had laughed about it a bit, but the more and more he thought about it, the more he thought about kissing Ryan Ross.

That was the big problem.

\- & -

You see, no one talked about kissing the same gender. It just didn't happen. It wasn't normal, it wasn't okay. 

So Brendon kept quiet about his thoughts, and he didn't tell anyone. He wasn't sure what he was so afraid of, he just was. He knew he didn't really care about what so many people thought about him before, but now, maybe he's giving every mean word ever said to him a second chance to break him.

\- & -

"Oh come on, Pete!" Patrick whined softly, "That's not fair." 

Pete grinned, "Sorry Patty, I love you but I'm not losing this bet. Now pay up."

Patrick sighed, taking out his wallet and digging out $20. Everyone else at the lunch table laughed for a few seconds before quieting down. Brendon smiled and laughed along with them, but he just wasn't feeling like it was real. He knew Spencer was eyeing him throughout the last few days, like he knew something about Brendon that maybe Brendon didn't know about himself. William had gotten really high yesterday at a party they all went to, and when him and Brendon were left alone on the ugly orange couch, William turned to him and kissed him right on the lips. Brendon's heart stopped beating, and when William pulled away, he had only sympathy in his eyes. "It's okay, don't think about it too much. Besides, it's not like a sad Brendon can smile the same way a happy Brendon can." 

He then just walked away. No one had seen the kiss.

"Brendon, you alright?" Spencer asked, tilting his head and raising his left eyebrow. Everyone at the table was now staring into Brendon's soul, and they were devouring his thoughts and his secrets and Brendon was going to cry if they didn't stop staring that way.

"I'm great. Just a bit tired. The neighbors had a party last night and I didn't catch much sleep."

Ryan smiled and bumped his thigh against Brendon's making his heart skip a beat or two. Or three. 

William didn't look at him at all, mainly because he was too busy texting his girlfriend or something. Jon shrugged, gave a what-can-you-do smile and went back to talking with Pete and Patrick about something like 'zombie robots.' Spencer stared at him a few seconds before excusing himself and leaving the cafeteria, and not returning. But then there was Gabe.

"I know something you don't," he grinned widely, eyes excited. "Come on, don't you wanna know what I know?"

He didn't particularly feel like guessing, much less guessing something for Gabe. He didn't really feel comfortable even talking to Gabe, he'd always done his best to avoid speaking with him. So he just shrugged.

"I wanna know what everyone knows," he replied. 

Gabe smiled widely and threw his head back, laughing. Not loudly, just happily. Then he looked back at Brendon and smiled, but softer this time. He sighed, wrapping an arm around Brendon's shoulders, "Very well then."

He ran his fingers through Brendon's hair slowly, then tugged on it, _hard_ , pulling his head back, making Brendon whimper before whispering into his ear.

"Brendon, you're gay."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I'm bad at writing; I'm sorry.


	2. With Everything Falling Down Around Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is kind of babble, not very yay, or very good. Thank you to everyone who's left comments and kudos, I really appreciate it so much!

Dinner was usually pretty quiet at home, considering how his parents only took interest in their children's current lives when they needed reassurance that they were successful as parents, and therefore, their kids would all be successful as well. They would all get an education and become doctors and lawyers and make his parents proud and brag about their parenting skills. Which, to be honest, could be a lot better.

"So ... Brendon, honey, how was school today?" His mom threw him a fake smile and everyone else at the table kept their eyes on their food, but they all had open ears. And closed minds.

"School was fine." He replied quietly. He played with the tiny peas, rolling them around on his plate. 

Brendon was the youngest child, but somehow, also the one everyone saw as 'hopeless.' His parents and siblings always saw his love for music as useless, and, "All that time you waste on playing with those things, you could be studying and be one step closer to becoming someone who matters!" Needless to say, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Brendon had yet to impress his family. And it didn't take a genius to figure out that Brendon had yet to make anyone feel proud or happy to know him.

"Oh, okay, darling. Have you learned anything interesting lately?" She tilted her head slightly, eyes never leaving him. And he could feel everyone's gazes on him, and he could feel his skin smothering him slightly, because he knew, he just  _knew_ they were all judging and doubting him. It hurt.

Brendon would say, 'yes, I learned something about myself. I'm as gay as can be.' But he knew he couldn't, he knew he shouldn't. He was supposed to be Mormon, he was supposed to be loyal to his religion, marry a woman, and have kids. He was supposed to make people proud. But he couldn't. He never could. Gabe had figured it out even before he, himself could. He felt dizzy and sick when he first heard Gabe, and then felt more sick when he realized Gabe was right. Now he just felt dirty, because it wasn't right to be a man, and love another man. Everyone said so. There was obviously something wrong with Brendon, even though Gabe has been trying to convince him it's okay for him to be gay. But Gabe doesn't understand, not really. Brendon is extremely grateful Gabe hasn't told anyone, though.

"Yeah, a lot. I've been studying a lot of our civil rights and human rights in history. I really think they'll help when it comes to preparing for law school." He said, looking up at his mom. She gave him a real smile. 

"That's good, Brendon! You're finally doing something worth time. Keep it up." 

And if Brendon's eyes watered, he'd blame it on allergies and the bright flowers happily seated in front of him, in the center of their family dinner table. 

-&-

"No way, The Beatles are way better than Frank Sinatra!" Ryan huffed, throwing his arms in the air. Brendon grinned and held back a laugh. He'd purposely mentioned something about Frank Sinatra overpowering The Beatles,  _maybe_ just loud enough for Ryan to hear and turn around to call him out on it. He was pretty successful. Besides, Ryan got even more attractive when he got all huffy and defensive. Yeah, Brendon was in  _deep_ shit.

"I don't know, Ry. Sinatra is pretty damn--" He cut himself off, and looked up at Pete and Spencer as they approached. Pete wore a disgusted look on his face, and Spencer just let out a small sigh.

"What's wrong, Wentz?" Ryan frowned, sitting correctly. Brendon nodded, watching them too.

"What's  _wrong?_ Dallon is what's wrong. He said Kenny was really hot," Pete shivers slightly, "That's not okay. That's pretty gross, he's a guy, hitting on another guy!"

And it was silent in their little group, and maybe only for a few seconds, but to Brendon, a few seconds was the same as an eternity. He felt his heart sting, and he felt himself grow older, and more tired. He looked at Spencer, who wore a blank facial expression and shrugged, saying, 'It's none of my business what Dallon's into, or who Dallon's into. As long as he's himself.' And Brendon maybe felt a bit more relieved. But when he looked at Ryan, his nose was scrunched, and his eyes confused.

"I thought Dallon would know better," Ryan sighed, "That's kind of messed up, though. At least none of us are like him, right?"

Pete grinned, widely and nodded, "Thank God."

And Brendon forced a smile  _again._  He pushed back the tears that threatened to appear, and forced a smile.

"Yeah," Brendon said, "Thank God. Because he made us the way we are." Maybe God messed up on Brendon and he was a mistake. He still forced his smiles though, because the world needs mistakes, so people can learn how to get rid of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry for updating kind of late, I just got back home and I'll update as soon as possible!! Thanks again!


	3. The Fear of Falling Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its really late and im tired :)

"Come here, Brendon." Gabe whined, making grabby hands at Brendon as he slowly scooted closer to William.

Ryan laughed and shook his head, whispering something to Pete that was apparently so funny that Pete _fell_ off the seat, his laughter never stopping. Patrick made a face and rolled his eyes, shrugging but smiling. 

Spencer laughed, throwing an arm around Brendon and ruffling his hair playfully, earning a grin from Brendon. Times like these were what made him forget all the homophobia and pressure in his life. He was extremely grateful for them, however was still very upset that he relied on other people's moods and sly jokes for his own happiness. It just wasn't right somehow, he should feel comfortable in his own skin. If he could change something, anything, he would. But he just can't and all he can do is sit around and hope for the best.

And Brendon was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't see the sneaky looks Spencer and William had been giving each other. Then there was a quiet countdown and Brendon was in the air. "William, Spencer,  _no!"_ He shrieked, squirming slightly before clinging to them. And when he was put down, he was put down on Gabe's  _lap._

"You don't know what you've done," He said, horror taking over his face.

Gabe cheered happily, and wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist, laughing along with everyone else. "Woah, kiddo, you're so  _tiny._  It's like cuddling a little kid." He laughed even more when Brendon squirmed in his lap and whined, glaring slightly at Gabe for his statements.

"Awe, he's so cute!" William squealed, pinching his cheeks. 

By then, Brendon was seriously considering getting new friends. But he thought twice, because he couldn't remember the last time he'd made Ryan laugh so hard. 

~~~

They went to a party, and there were people grinding with each other and drinking and smoking and making out. Like in those cheesy movies, except that in those cheesy movies there wasn't someone named Gabe who absolutely loved terrorizing and cock blocking Pete Wentz. It was funny, hilarious even because Brendon will never get over the look on Gabe's face when Pete threw up on his favorite shirt. But the music continued blaring loudly and William was so drunk, head on Brendon's lap, humming happily as Brendon ran his fingers through his hair. 

"You really did seem very little compared to Gabe." Ryan smirked, keeping his eyes in the novel that he currently had open. He nudged Brendon's foot though.

"Shut up, Ross." He replied, cheeks burning up slightly. He knew he was fucked, and that he had the biggest crush on Ryan Ross, and he couldn't help it but he couldn't help feeling so wrong and guilty about it either. He was terrified of what Ryan would do, what he would say if he found out. But he didn't want to keep any secrets from Ryan, because Ryan always knew what to do.

"Oh come on, Brendon. You know, if I were gay, I'd go for you." He winked at Brendon and laughed, "I'ma go find Spence." He left, still grinning.

And was he joking? Did he know? If he did, would he tell? Surely, he didn't know, Gabe wouldn't tell, despite how destructive he is, he would never break a trust and faithful bond with a friend. No matter how hurt or angry, or drunk he was.

He felt a hand pulling at his shirt and when he looked down, William was giving such a sympathetic and pitiful look. "Sorry, Bren. But out of every good guy, you pick the one that hates dicks, despite having and being one." 

~~~

"Hey." 

He hadn't noticed before, he hadn't realized it. But now he finally did. He knew Spencer wasn't stupid, and he knew Spencer was much more observant than the others. So he didn't bother hiding his teary eyes when he looked at Spencer. And Spencer didn't say anything, he just pulled Brendon into a tight and warm hug. They stayed like that for minutes before Spencer pulled away.

"So, Ryan." He tried again.

Brendon was constantly tired nowadays, and hearing Ryan's name only made him the slightest bit more stressed. "Yeah, Ryan. And penises."

Spencer grinned, "That's cool, I guess." He grabbed Brendon's hand, "I won't tell anyone. I promise."

And for the first time in a long time, Brendon grinned so wide that his cheeks hurt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading!


	4. Surrender All Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh this? It's just kind of.

William's girlfriend dumped him just yesterday, which sucked because it was their eight month anniversary, so Brendon did his best to reassure him and comfort him. He said stuff like, 'she isn't worth it' and 'you'll find someone better, for sure' and 'you're too good for her.' 

Gabe had said, "Nobody even likes her nasty hole, anyway."

To which Pete replied with, "I love holes." 

And it was awkward because they were talking about those weird lady parts, which Brendon refused to name--they were kind of terrifying, shush--and they all agreed with Pete, and when Brendon was forced to agree, a wave of anxiousness washed over him. He hated having to pretend to be straight, and he hated not being able to feel comfortable and open with his friends, but it's not like he could just go around announcing, 'I'm gay!' and not expect to be pushed away. Everyone had basically done that to Dallon and Brendon felt awful about it. He began talking with Dallon not too long ago, and he's pretty sure him, Ian and this girl named Breezy were the only ones who actually acknowledged his existence. 

"Earth to Brendon," Gabe sang, stretching the vowels in his name. He blushed and shook himself out of his thoughts before noticing everyone was looking at him, everyone amused, but Spencer looked as though he were questioning Brendon's sanity. And health.

"Yeah, what? Sorry just, uh, thinking about next period. I hate biology." He said.

Pete shrugged and smiled, "What can you do about it? Anyway, are you coming over tonight? The party's going to be  _sick._ " 

Jon perked up slightly, "Wait--there will be dope, correct?"

Pete winked and nodded, biting his bottom lip. "It wouldn't be a party without dope, Jon Walker." 

Of course, while spiraling in his mess of thoughts, he forgot Pete's party. He was sure it'd be fun and refreshing, but he had an assignment to work on with Dallon tonight. He would be damned if he ditched Dallon just to go to a party. What kind of friend would do that?

"Sorry Pete, I'm going over to Dallon's house tonight." He replied, readjusting his glasses and scanning his eyes over the cafeteria.

But then it was silent, and it made him uncomfortable and when his eyes scanned over everyone at his table, they all just stared. It made his stomach hurt, and his heart began beating irregularly. Spencer blinked, "Oh yeah, Mrs. Peterson wanted you to finish your project with Dallon." And quickly, everyone let out a laugh, as if it was a joke that he had to work with Dallon. It wasn't, Brendon had chose to work with Dallon, in fact. He was a very nice and sweet person, and he didn't deserve all the hate. Ryan even let out a small smile of relief. Obvious relief.

"Sorry, just you know, can't be too careful. Don't wanna catch any of what Dallon may wanna give." Ryan grinned, and it hurt. It hurt so much that Brendon wanted to cry, to scream and throw everything and just be  _done with it all._

 _"_ Dallon is a great guy. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's any different." He urged, "He just likes guys, so what?"

"So, that's wrong, Brendon. He may be nice, but he's so wrong." Ryan frowned, eyes soft. He put a hand to Brendon's cheek, and then to his forehead. "You're kind of burning up, I think you're sick."

He couldn't do it, he couldn't sit around and pretend to be fine anymore. He just stood up, picked up his bookbag and walked out of the cafeteria, ignoring everyone else's protests and calls coming from the table. He just waited for Dallon by his locker.

~~~

"That's fucked." Dallon says, knocking his shoulder against Brendon's. "That's tough."

Brendon shrugged, but smiled. He was glad that Dallon had accepted Brendon and promised not to tell anyone about him. He'd comforted him and wow, Dallon was really comfy and warm and so  _nice._

"So you've got it for Ryan Ross, huh?" He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Or maybe he was just a dick.

~~~

"You alright, B?" 

Spencer plopped next to Brendon, and wrapped an arm around him. At lunch today, everyone acted as though Brendon going to Dallon's house hadn't happened at all, and they were obviously all avoiding it, and instead chose to talk about the party and how awesome it was up until Brendon smiled at Dallon from across the cafeteria and Pete called him out for it. 

_"Look Brendon, if you're gay--"_

_"Pete, come on, quit it." Patrick shoved Pete slightly, getting back a glare._

_"No Patrick. He needs to hear this. Brendon," He turned back to look at Brendon, "Yesterday at the party we were talking. And we decided that if you're gay, that's okay somehow. You can still sit with us, but over there. And don't get too close to any of us. Especially me. Oh and don't--Brendon? Hey, get back here!"  
_

Needless to say, Brendon had just abandoned his food and walked out, again. He was sick of it, sick of having to ignore the worried glances he was getting from some of his 'friends' and sick of having to lie for everyone's own happiness. No one followed him, and no one spoke to him after that. But school was dismissed half an hour ago and Spencer was apparently looking for Brendon. And he found him, which secretly, Brendon feels slightly happy about because at least he knows Spencer cares. 

"Pete was being a dick, sorry." He says, ruffling Brendon's hair.

"It isn't your fault, dude. I just, I wish things were different." He could feel the tears coming and he could feel himself shaking. And when Spencer pulled him close, and rubbed his back, he allowed himself to cry all he wanted. He was tired, and he wouldn't complain about having someone there for him.

"So do I," He heard Spencer say, but all he could do was cling on to him tighter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im really tired but I wanted to write :)


	5. Hiding Your True Self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please have a lovely day. Remember you're so beautiful.
> 
> It kind of sucks, so I'm terribly sorry.

Brendon was freezing. He was outside, at midnight at a lonely park on a Tuesday night. He was sitting on a bench, and the wind was blowing a bit wildly, causing Brendon to shiver every few seconds. He had forgotten his cellphone when he stormed out of his house. Angry as hell, with tears cascading down his cheeks. Memories running wild, back and forth in his head. He felt dizzy.

+++

 _"I'm your fucking son!"_   _He screamed. "I didn't even ask him to kiss me!"_

_"But you didn't refuse him either! No son of mine is a--whatever it is you are!" His father had shouted back, anger burning in his eyes and hand so fast that Brendon didn't realize he had been hit until he was on the floor, his hand on his stinging cheek. No, it wasn't a slap._

_"We can fix you! But if you walk out that door, you'll never step back in." His older brother said, eyes amused and faking disgust. He found it all fucking funny._

_So Brendon grabbed the nearest item and threw it at him, and managed to knock him to the ground. It only resulted in a physical fight between him, his father and his other brother. His mother and his sisters shouting angrily at him, while helping his hurt brother. It all just hurt._

_He was Mormon._

_+++_

When he woke up, the sun was already up high. The breeze was much softer and much kinder to him now than it was last night. It was late, and he was hurt. The park was only slightly empty now, only about five young kids playing on a nearby playground. The streets were quiet, and the sidewalks were lonely. His head was pounding, his right eye was sore and his ribs were suffocating. He mainly felt numb from the previous day. His father and brother had beaten him, and he'd stormed out the house with as much dignity as a teenager with a limp, black eye, and bleeding nose and knuckles could. Unfortunately, he didn't manage to sneak anything out with him. He only had his clothes of yesterday. And bothering someone else seemed to be too cliche and unnecessary. Though, maybe Gabe would forgive him for bothering.

And so to Gabe's house Brendon went.

He arrived around midnight, though. He had pulled into the driveway and laughed while getting out of the car shouting, "Brendon, oh Brendon! There was this party and it was so sick! You should've been there! Oh hey, why didn't you come to ..school." He stopped talking once he'd gotten to close to him, seeing him bruised and beaten, blood dry and skin pale. Gabe had gotten pale, eyes watery and he had a gentle touch. He'd hugged Brendon, and allowed him to let out all of his cries and sobs onto his shirt. All these apologies and pleads that he didn't even know he had hidden inside. He made Gabe cry, too.

"I told them, I finally decided to tell them. Well, they started screaming and shouting and running towards me, so I tried running out the house. But my parents pushed me inside and taught me a good old lesson. I'm sorry, Gabe. I'm so sorry." Brendon cried, tears never ending. "They fucking wouldn't stop and it hurt so much. I apologized and begged, then I just got angry and I just, I'm so sorry." 

"Don't be," Gabe replied. He repeated it ever so often. 

And for hours, they both just sat on the old, ugly orange couch. 

~~~

"Brendon, Brendon! Wake up!" 

Brendon woke up startled, and heart beating too quickly in his own chest. It felt loud and irregular. He sat up quickly and looked at Ryan who just stared back at him, a worried expression on his face. Behind him was Gabe, who was biting his lip and his eyes were clouded with worry. Next to him, William was holding onto him tightly. And someone was holding onto Brendon's arm tightly and-- oh, it was just Spencer, who also looked insanely concerned.

"Brendon, you okay? What's wrong?" Ryan asked, stepping closer. What?

"What do you mean?" Brendon replied, one eyebrow raised. They were all sitting outside, the sun was out and kids were around them having lunch or chatting or leaving the school. They were in their lunch period, and they were all looking at Brendon with worried faces.

"You fell asleep. And you, just started crying and mumbling stuff in your sleep. It was a nightmare." Gabe said, leaning down on his knees. Brendon blinked and suddenly became aware of the wetness on his cheeks, and hurriedly wiped the tears away. He felt embarrassed and fuck, had he said anything? "Whatever it was, it was just a bad dream. Forget about it, alright? It doesn't matter anymore."

"Yeah, whatever it is that's bothering you, we'll be here for you no matter what." Ryan replied, smiling happily.

And it took some time, but Brendon managed to force a wide smile and convince most of them that he was okay. He felt too old to be needing constant care. And he felt too ashamed and embarrassed to tell Ryan that he's a liar. He wouldn't want to be Brendon's friend after finding out that he's gay and in love with him. It'd be like playing with fire.

Besides loving Ryan secretly, was one of the most dangerous things he'd ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure when the next update will be considering that I will be starting school next week.  
> I'm sure I'll find a way to update though! :)


	6. Smile Even Though You're Sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a late update! School is pretty stressful this year.  
> Sorry if you don't like it.

"Maybe Ryan won't mind it." 

Brendon snorted and pushed the tiny peas on his plate around with his fork. He'd been staying at Gabe's house for the past few days--weeks-- since he wasn't welcome back at his parents house. Gabe lives with his wealthy parents, but they're on some business trip in Europe so Gabe does anything he wants. William is the only one besides Gabe who knows Brendon doesn't really have a home anymore. 'This is your home, whenever, dude,' Gabe says, but it felt more like he's invading someone else's space. So Brendon got a job--despite Gabe's protests--and rented an apartment. He never did go back to get anything that belonged to him, not even his clothes so Gabe helped him buy new shirts, pants, etc. Still, he stayed with Gabe sometimes because the loneliness would never crawl away. 

"Yeah, Ryan won't mind replacing me with someone else." he replies.

"Oh come on, Ryan isn't  _that_ mean." William frowns, poking a pea with the fork and eating it. 

Gabe made faces at him but William ignored him, in favor of trying to comfort Brendon. Though Brendon couldn't see how William was so good at ignoring Gabe, when he was excellent at getting easily distracted whenever Gabe was around. Distracted by Gabe, that is.

"No, he isn't. But ... this is different. Coming out to Ryan is enough, I don't want him to hate me forever by admitting that I like him. He'd probably never talk to me again, and if he did, it wouldn't be the same. What if he tells someone else, and then it gets throughout the entire school?" Brendon dropped the fork, sighing. "I couldn't have that, guys. I really wouldn't be able to handle that."

"Well, take Dallon as an example. He came out, and everyone left him but he's still smiling and joking around. Yeah, maybe he's not actually as happy as he makes himself seem, but nobody is ever so happy, ya'know? He's content with the people who accept him. And if Ryan, or anyone else can't accept you for who you are, then just know we do and we won't abandon you or anything." William said, gently putting a hand on his shoulder.

"What he said." Gabe replied, mashed potatoes stuffed into his mouth. 

Brendon and William shared a glance before they began laughing.

~~~

After school, Brendon went over to Spencer's house. He didn't have work today, so it was okay to go. Not that he would admit to anyone that he had a job because then they'd question why he got a job, why he's not at home and he didn't want to have to explain why. They had to work on their physics project together, and if it was handed in late, Mr. Roye would complain again and would fail them, again.

" I went over to your house last night. Your mom opened the door and when I asked for you, she just started crying and shut the door in my face. But then Kara came out, and said you'd moved out. That if I saw you, to tell you to go home." Spencer said, eyes scanning the physics textbook.

"That's not fair, Spencer." Brendon replied, voice soft. It wasn't fair. 

"I'm not telling you to go home," Spencer retorted, putting his hands up in surrender when his eyes met Brendon's. "I'm just looking for an explanation."

He didn't willingly move out, he was kicked out. So why did his family lie? Maybe they really were to ashamed for the truth to be thrown outside the house. And if they really wanted him home, why don't they just try to reach him themselves? Rather than relying on his friends to get personal information through to him.

"They didn't like that I was gay." Brendon shrugged weakly, picking up his pencil and writing down something.

"So they kicked you out?" Spencer asked. He looked angry, but mostly upset. "Where have you been staying? Why haven't you said anything?"

And at that moment, Ryan chooses to walk in, grin on his face and wild eyes. He bursts through the door, and hops on the bed, peeking out at them both. "Oh hey Brendon, didn't know you'd be here but hey. Hey Spence. Hey guys, guess what."

Spencer shot Brendon an apologetic look before he turned around to face Ryan and ask what. Brendon didn't really mind because it was Ryan and seeing Ryan is always a pleasure. It's Ryan Ross, come on.

"I asked Keltie out. And she said yes!" He whooped, thrusting his hips up and down before sitting up still and laughing. Spencer looked impressed and uncomfortable at the same time, and Brendon probably looked as hurt as he felt so he quickly faked a wide grin and cheered along.

"That's awesome, man." Spencer smiled, giving Ryan a high five.

"I know right. Its the best. So how about you? Ask Haley yet?" Ryan wiggled his eyebrows and winked, and Brendon's heart did not do a thing.

"Fuck off," Spencer laughed. "She'll say no."

"No she won't! You're the  _best_ , Spencer Smith. She'll say yes, because any person who's sane will say yes." Brendon grinned.

"How about you, B? Anyone in mind? Perhaps any gentlemen out there?" Ryan teased, but Brendon tensed. And Spencer did too.

So when Ryan noticed he was the only one not laughing and teasing, he stopped and stared at them. And he stared more. Maybe Brendon should've laughed at what Ryan had said, because realization was slowly reaching Ryan causing his eyes to narrow and his mouth to form a thin line, lips locked. Ryan's gaze never left Brendon, even as Spencer's lamp hit the wall behind Brendon causing him to flinch and jump away. 

And then there was arguing and things were flying by the way time did, and it wasn't long before Ryan was gone and Brendon was left sitting numb on Spencer's bed. He could hear Spencer and his parents talking through the door, and it was only 7:57 p.m. but Brendon couldn't fight the sleepiness that hit him.

~~~

And the rest of the week was silent. Not really, because he found out Ryan hadn't told anyone else. So everyone else at the table acted normally, except Ryan wouldn't talk to him, and Spencer was suddenly really sick and Gabe was in Europe with his parents for some reason. So he only had William, and as willing as William was to help him out, he didn't want to keep him from being the fun guy and party guy he usually was, so he always let William go out when he needed him most. And his boss had gotten bitchier, asking him to stay for a couple of more hours and Brendon said yes so he'd get paid more. But his boss hadn't mentioned that he'd take someone else's shift as well. Even if he didn't do anything wrong, his boss would yell at him and it sucked. His apartment wasn't the best at all, but it gave him a place to stay and sleep, not to keep warm because the heater was broken and it was freezing outside. But at least he had a place to go to. 

On Thursday at lunch, Ryan had sat down next to Brendon before he slid a sandwich to him. 

"Your clothes is baggier, and you've lost weight. Yes, it's noticeable." He said, taking a bite of his own sandwich.

Usually, Brendon would complain and say he didn't need charity or anything from anyone. But it was Ryan, and Ryan had talked to him first, even sat next to him so he wouldn't complain. He nodded and mumbled a thanks before eating. 

When lunch was over, everyone at the table was gone in a few seconds but Brendon always stayed afterwards to help the lunch ladies and janitors finish cleaning because then he'd get community service time and sometimes, credits from some teachers. But this time, Ryan stayed with him and helped out as well. And while they wiped down a table, Ryan spoke first.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Brendon frowned.

"For what I did. I didn't have to exaggerate. I didn't mean to really hurt you or make you feel different. I didn't mean to, but I did, and I shouldn't have."  He replied. "I accept that you're gay, I just, it confused me at first. And I guess I was hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. But you have to understand that we grew up believing it was wrong, so I'm trying here okay?"

And if Brendon wasn't as tired as he was, he'd probably be crying. But he got home around 11 p.m. and he stayed up doing homework and he got two hours of sleep, and he was late to first period this morning so he nodded.

"Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry too." He smiled.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything." Ryan rolled his eyes, but grinned. Then the bell rung and together they walked to band.

They joked about everything they could, but they were much more careful this time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! And thank you all for the comments and kudos! <3


	7. Drink The Wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> life is so stressful dammit
> 
> This chapter is sort of an entry into Brendon's life (for a tiny while) outside of school. It could be whatever you want it to be honestly

_Are you joining us?_

_I'm not sure._

_Cool, I'll pick you up at 8?_

There was no point in thinking about, Dallon had decided for him. He said he was going to a club with a few friends from outside of school and he invited Brendon to go. He said not to invite anyone else because it wasn’t a club for anyone who was straight and not attracted to the same gender.

“Alright.” He said.

He didn’t bother trying to hide his excitement though, because he would finally go somewhere and meet other people like him. He wasn’t that good looking but he still gets to learn the basics.

“You’ll learn your type.” Dallon laughed. “What you’re looking for.”

“Dallon,” He whined, his face heating up slightly.

 He said to be careful. And to be cautious around everyone, but to not let it interfere with the conversation. He said to be free. Not too free, he said.

Ryan invited him to his house after school, but Brendon had said no. He said no to Spencer too, and said he had a shift at work but he didn’t. The boss was sick so Brendon wasn’t being scolded and yelled at to come in everyday. Someone else has his shift tonight. He was just afraid maybe they’ll judge him for going to a place where skin glistened so smoothly underneath bright flashing lights. A place where the body can busy itself with another to a beat.

~~~

"No, not that."

"Not that, either."

"Ew, gross."

"Never. Throw it away, or burn it."

"I don't like that. Try this one."

"Nice ass, dude."

"Damn, it is real nice."

Brendon blushed and shook his head, slipping on the pants Dallon handed him. He came around, brought clothes to help Brendon get ready to go to the club. He met Ian, who's not as quiet as he claims and he's weird, but he's so sweet. He met Frank, who's dating Gerard and is obsessed with almost everything, and who has the most energy Brendon's ever witnessed in a person. And Gerard, who's dating Frank and is good at everything and is a great guy.

"Your ass looks good in those." Frank hums.

"I'd top you so hard," Gerard sighs. His eyes roam over Brendon's body and he smirks, winking before laughing as Brendon feels his face heat up. He hears the others laugh too, and Frank mentioning something about how he totally does agree with Gerard.

"Wear the black shirt, yellow doesn't look all that great." Ian mentions after a while.

He changes.

"Oh wow. You really are fucking hot. Goddamn," Dallon teases. Brendon still blushes.

~~~

They drove to the club, which was around 20 minutes away or so. It was so different, but so normal all at once. It was just like a normal club, and there were some church people outside with posters and banners talking about sins and going to hell, but they kept their distance and everyone just ignored them as they entered the place. Brendon was only 16, but he was still able to get in because Dallon knew the guard, Zack and he'd let them slip right in upon seeing them. He knew Brendon was 16, but he only looked amused and said, 'careful, kid' before letting him in with Dallon. 

The music was too loud and it gave him a headache, not too bad though, the kind where it feels like there's someone constantly just poking at your temple and it was annoying really. He'd just gotten here. The flashing lights were too bright, and he could see how it was easy to lose yourself on the dance floor. Dallon held his hand as they made their way through it and to a mostly empty spot for a small reunion before going their separate ways.

"Careful, child. Someone as tiny as you could get knocked over." Gerard smirked.

"Frank's more little than-"

"Save it, Brendon. He's 21 and more experienced." Dallon said, looking at him. "Seriously. Be careful."

"Yeah, yeah." He grumbled back. This was supposed to be  _fun._

"Don't get drunk." 

"Gotcha. No drinking." Brendon nodded.

~~~

He was  _alive._

He was dancing and grinding underneath the flashing lights, and his skin was heated and slightly suffocating. There were big, warm hands on his hips. Someone else's hips were grinding into him from behind, and they had the perfect pattern with their bodies moving together. Suddenly, the music wasn't loud enough, but the lights made up for that. They blinded him completely. They moved so good to the music, it was some kind of Britney Spears song, he thinks, but he's not too sure because his mind is kind of everywhere right now.

And he wasn't supposed to drink anything, but someone asked him to dance and brought him a glass of something and put it to his lips and the liquid just slipped its way in, spreading the taste all over. It was bitter and strong, but he drank the rest anyway. 

So he's here now, grinding back onto someone and they're moaning into his ear. They're these deep moans, almost gasping for air and Brendon's not sure how long it'll be before his body takes complete control and loses his mind on the dance floor. But then the other guys pulling away, or being pulled away because he clings to Brendon before he's shoved forward slightly and then there's rougher hands on his hips. They're big still, but they're rougher and they're more curious.

"Hey." The voice says.

And the music doesn't stop. So Brendon decides not to. He continues dancing, with some stranger murmuring dirty things into his ear as his hands roam all over Brendon's body. He feels more and more uncomfortable as each second passes by, but he doesn't see anyone he could call near him, so he figures the stranger will get bored if he just ignores him. He doesn't stop grinding. 

And he's not sure of what's going on because everything is spinning and he's being pulled along somewhere but he doesn't know by who, or where to and he doesn't want to leave without knowing Dallon will know where he is. Scratch that, he doesn't want to leave with some random stranger. But he can't form any words because his minds too hazy and he feels himself stumble on his feet as he's being dragged along and he really wishes for someone, or anyone to be there. And maybe if he thinks nice, he'll wake up and Ryan and him could have fun together and everything was just a dream. What about Ryan, again?

Theres something against his mouth, a pair of lips and he whines, trying to turn his head but he doesnt succeed much. The grip on his hip is too tight and his wrists are being held tight above his head and it hurts, so he feels tears sting his eyes. But then his heart starts racing as the persons lips suck on his neck and he doesn't like it, and he's terrified. This is a complete stranger. 

"Let him go." A familiar voice says, or more like sighs. Somewhere in between probably.

And there's some arguing, and then there's none and then Brendon is flying through the sky. Okay, maybe more like floating up or to somewhere, he can't be sure. Then he stops, and lets his head rest and - oh!

"I'm not floating, I'm being carried." He giggles. Because he thought he was  _flying._ That'd be awesome though.

"Yeah, you are, kid." The voice says, there's a pinch of amusement dripping in the words but maybe that's nice. Or cool.

Then there are more familiar voices and then gentle hands on his face and he giggles because they're warm, just how he likes people's hands. He recognizes the voices, but their names are too blurry right now. They keep mentioning his name and he can't understand so he makes random sounds until it's quiet. 

Then he just fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kind of late, I had the entire chapter done and completed but I don't know what I pressed by accident on my laptop and then everything just erased and it was gone. I tried so hard not to get upset. So I had to retype everything, so it's not as good, but here it was and i hope you liked it! 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	8. That Fragile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're beautiful

"Ow," 

Brendon sat up too quickly or something, because his head was pounding and everything was spinning. His head hurt and he couldn't really think too straight, but he could understand that he was warm and cozy in someone's bed. 

"Sleeping beauty's awake," a voice laughed. It was feminine.

"Wha-?" He dragged on, turning his head slowly to meet the girl's hazel eyes. "Oh, Ashley." He squealed and held his arms open. 

"Beebo!" She grinned and skipped over to the bed, jumping on to meet Brendon in a hug. 

"Your hair," Brendon giggled, ignoring the constant ache in his head as he tumbled over under Ashley. "It's so good."

"Thanks. You're still as adorable as I remember," She replied, smiling and running her fingers through his hair. She reached over him and grabbed a glass of water from the table and handed it to him. "Drink, here."

He grabbed it and drank from it, not all at once because he didn't think he'd have the energy for even that, so he took tiny sips and when he finished, he placed it back to where it was before. He smiled at Ashley and poked her nose, laughing as she pulled a silly face.

"You haven't changed at all." She laughed. "I missed you."

"I missed you so much more. I'm glad you came back." 

"So am I." 

They joked around for awhile more, but not too loudly because Brendon still had a bit of a headache. It did get better though, or maybe it was just because he was so happy to see Ashley again--she goes by Halsey also--since she'd moved away a while ago, but she kept her promise to come see him. They talked about everything, and then they talked about how they'd met people and how they've finally come to find some satisfaction in some ways.

"You came out?" She asked.

"To some people. Not everyone. You know it's too risky."

"I guess. You'll always have people who support you though. There will always be those people who are too ignorant to understand that you are different than they are and they'll try to change you; don't let them. You're perfect the way you are, and you shouldn't feel bad for accepting yourself and being true to who you are." She smiled sweetly, "So did you tell Ross?"

Brendon blushed before nodding. "Thanks. He was upset at first, he just felt like I trusted Dallon and Spencer more than I trusted him. But he came around eventually, and I told him Gabe and William had also known before anyone else. Before me, even. We're still close now."

"I came out as bisexual to everyone. It was weird at first, my parents didn't care so much but my friends did. They came around eventually."

Brendon smiled and sighed happily. "That's good."

"Yeah." Ashley said, looking at the clock. "Hey, what happened last night?" 

"What do you mean?"

"You were so drunk out of it. I actually kind of think someone may have slipped something into your drink but I'm not sure. We found you in the back with some weird guy. Josh helped carry you, and Tyler drove us back here. We were walking by, actually going to a different club when we found you."

Brendon stayed quiet. Had that been true? He didn't remember anything. All he knew was that he went drinking with Dallon, Gerard and Frank and it felt amazing. All of his worries just melted away and he had so much fun, but maybe not as much as he thought.

"You mean, I was like, being ... dirty?" He blushed. He wasn't used to talking about that stuff.

"Exchanging body heat, that precious stuff." She said, "You were too out of it to even comprehend what was going on. I don't even think you liked it much." 

"Oh." _  
_

There was a knock at the door, and Josh peeked in. He smiled, a tiny giggle slipping through. He walked in with breakfast and laid it down next to the table by the bed and pet Brendon. "I'm Josh. I've heard plenty about you." 

~~~

"Brendon, you okay?" 

Ryan bumped his leg against Brendon's and snapped him out of his daydream. It was still a bit early, and he was tired, having spent the whole night talking with Ashley, and getting to know Josh, Tyler and Tyler's girlfriend of three years, Jenna. They were all so sweet.

"I'm fine, yeah." He smiled at Dallon. Dallon didn't look so convinced, but he took it because they were at lunch, and beginning a conversation about being at a gay bar a few nights before didn't really seem like such a magnificent idea.

"You've got bruises," Ryan frowned, grabbing Brendon's wrists. And shit, he didn't even know he had them there. Ryan pressed down on them. "Do they hurt?"

"Ouch, well, when you press down on them like that," He complained, but he was blushing so red.

Ryan smirked. He let go of his wrists and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair. "You, my friend, got lucky."

"Shh, Ryan, no."

"You're not a virgin?" Spencer asked, eyebrows rising high in amusement.

"I am. It wasn't like that," He replied. He could feel his cheeks burning.

"But you were going to lose your v-card." 

" _Ryan."_ Brendon and Spencer both mumbled. _  
_

He was a naturally loud speaker, when he got excited or very very interested in or about something. He couldn't help it, but he should be able to learn to control it sometime. Luckily no one heard, so he was good. Except, no one but Gabe heard.

"You lost your  _what?"_ He repeated, eyes digging into his skin. His usual smirk wasn't in place.

"I-I didn't." 

"Oh. Okay." He replied calmly.

"Kind of protective there, aren't you?" Spencer raised an eyebrow.

"I just want Brendon to be safe. To not mess up, and to be happy. He's like a little brother." 

It was nice, but Brendon wasn't sure if he was fond of the idea, or terrified by it. Having Gabe as a sibling would be quiet scary.

~~~

After school, when Brendon was walking out he was almost tackled to the ground by someone. Or some people. 

"Beebo!" Halsey exclaimed as she jumped on him, almost. 

"Brendooon." Josh laughed, dragging out the 'o' in his name, and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "So tiny."

"Don't leave me behind," Tyler pouted as he caught up with them, hand wrapped with Jenna's.

They all laughed as Tyler continued pouting until Jenna pressed a light kiss to his lips, which then he decided smiling was much better. It was so cute to watch them be together, they really were the perfect couple.

"Oh, Brendon hey." Ryan smiled tightly as he walked by them.

"Ryan, oh hey Ryan." Brendon grinned, "You remember Ashley? And this is Josh, that's Tyler and Jenna. Guys, this is Ryan."

"Hey Ross," Halsey smiled at him. Ryan nodded to them all before telling them that he had to get home because he had a lot of homework to do. He walked away and didn't really stick around much for talking to them.  
  
"Wow, he wasn't jealous, was he?" Tyler frowned.

"Jealous of what?" Brendon asked, Ryan had no reason to be jealous of anything.

Josh just smiled, a look of awe and amusement on his face was clear as he removed his arm from its place around Brendon's shoulders. 

"You'll realize soon enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to post this for national coming out day, but my plans fell behind :/
> 
> I want everyone to understand that you should be comfortable and proud of who you are! You are you, and you're beautiful and perfect the way you are and never let anyone say otherwise, because they're too blind to really see you. Don't ever feel like you should hide who you are to please anyone else, please!  
> With that being said, to anyone who came out recently, you're perfect and there will always be people supporting you, thank you for standing as who you are and congratulations on being out!  
> To anyone who has yet to come out (if they're planning to come out), take your time! Don't feel pressured into coming out simply because several other people have come out already. Come out when you feel comfortable with yourself and when you feel the time is ready.
> 
> And remember, you can come out any day, not just on October 11th. Remember to stay true to who you are!  
> I love every single one of you precious humans!


	9. All The Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a tiny update

"You've been really distant," Spencer frowned, nudging his elbow against Ryan's.

Brendon was off somewhere, probably hanging out with Josh and his other friends who he seems to be pretty close with. Oh, and Dallon, of course. They've been hanging out a bit over the past recent days, and yeah, maybe he's catching up with Halsey, or Ashley or whatever she prefers to be called. He leaves time for Ryan and Spencer, but soon enough, they won't be as close anymore. He'll be too busy playing around with Josh or something.

"Just bored. Brendon used to fill the silence. He passed time." Ryan replied.

"Hm," Spencer hummed, then grinned. "Are you jealous?" 

"What?" Ryan frowned, he glared at Spencer. "Jealous of what? There's no reason to be jealous of anyone."

Spencer put down his pen and looked up from his textbook, "I never said you were jealous of someone, Ry. But hey, no need to get so defensive."

Ryan sighed and rolled his eyes, grabbing his pen and throwing it onto Spencer's bedroom floor. It was carpeted, so it had no major effect but still. Ryan wasn't jealous of anyone or of anything. He was just bored.

"Besides, Josh and Halsey are dating now."

~~~

It was 11:53 p.m. and Brendon was tired. He was hanging out with Halsey and Josh, but his boss called him into work and so he rushed and he'd been given a new shift since he was 'late' to the shift he hadn't even been assigned to. His boss wouldn't even hear him out. It was late and raining and he had to walk home and he was just not having the best day ever. But he didn't want to bother anyone so he decided to suck it up and shut up. Gabe's house was close by, and he would surely invite Brendon in, the way he always has done even if William's there. However, he doesn't wanna bother Gabe and William anymore.

"Still so young, desperate for attention," He sang to himself, he read the lines in Ryan's notebook during chemistry and they stuck with him.

The night was cold, and dark but it wouldn't hurt so much. It was a lonely walk, but Brendon tried his best to ignore the urge to cry because he didn't want to cry anymore. He passed a small shop of wooden clocks, a tiny bit sat on the window pane and stared at him as he walked by. The lights inside the shop were on, but it was closed and no one could be seen inside.

He'd hasn't gone to school in two days, and Spencer has constantly texted him with tiny messages of how its going, and whats going on and how 'ryan is too lame to text you but hes worried and hes wondering about you even if he wont admit it himself' which made Brendon feel happy and warm inside. 

"Home," He mumbled as he reached his apartment complex. It looked worn out from the outside, but the inside was decent so he didn't really mind. Or well, maybe not decent, but it was enough to keep him off the streets so he cared for it. He rushed in and shivered, then made his way up the stairs because the elevator never works. He got to the 4th floor and swung the hall door open and stepped into the hallway before he quickly stopped. And stared. 

They continued making out, oblivious to his presence, and he wouldn't mind so much if they were strangers. But they weren't, they were his friends and they were--

" _Shit,_ Brendon!" One of them pulled away and squeaked, growing pale.

The other turned around slowly and when they made eye contact, the night seemed so much more heavier.

"It's not -"

"It's not what it looks like? You two were just full-on making out! What the hell!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres some stuff I kind of left out for a reason, and I'll fill it in later probably as a flashback, but yeah a little cliffhanger for you guys here! Love you guys! :D


	10. Waves That Swallow Quick & Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has it been a while?

"It's not what it looks like." 

"Bullshit. Wait--you know what? I don't care. I don't even want to know. Now move." Brendon replied angrily. His palm was stinging because he held his keys too tightly and they begun digging into his skin but he didn't care. He wanted Pete to move.

"Please, Patrick and I. We need to talk to you." Pete pleaded.

"No. Fuck off." 

He was angry as hell. Who does Pete think he is? Just showing up at Brendon's apartment and  _making out with Patrick._ He wouldn't be angry with Pete over something like this, no of course not, but he was and Pete deserved it.  _  
_

He shoved Pete out of the way, not too roughly because despite being angry at Pete, Brendon wouldn't like to actually hurt him. He ignored Patrick, even if he had no real reason to, because maybe everyone had some fault in his anger and Pete's despair. That was besides the point, though. He shoved the key into the lock after a few bitter tries and turned it roughly, then jiggled the door handle until it opened and he slipped in quickly.

Pete pushed in too fast, and dragged Patrick inside before slamming the door shut. "Brendon! Listen!"

"Get out! I don't care what you have to say!" He yelled back.

"I didn't mean to do it, I swear!" Pete shouted. "I was just --fuck!"

"Well, you fucking did! I hope you're fucking happy because this 'faggot' won't be going back anyway!" Brendon cried out. 

"Will you just fucking --" Pete cut himself off when Brendon turned the lights on. Patrick made a tiny noise that sounded a bit like a whine, or a wail. Brendon just stared back at the people who watched them. They all wore pointy orange party hats, and they had a cake on the table. They were just standing there. Brendon took in the cake, the balloons, the party streamers and the party hats and they were in his apartment with the lights off and --

"Oh." He said.

Then he just started crying. 

~~~

Then he just started  _crying._ And that was  _embarrassing._

"It's your birthday, don't be sad. Babe, no." 

He sniffed from his position on the bed, and he felt Halsey's arms wrap around his waist. She poked his belly playfully, but Brendon whimpered softly because he didn't have the energy to laugh or giggle or do whatever she hoped he'd do. 

Outside his room, he heard voices. Everyone stayed after he burst out crying and ran to his room, and it was quiet for a really long time. There was a bit of shouting but nothing violent Halsey said, and then the voices lulled down, and now they seemed to be debating or something. Brendon didn't really want to care, he was too busy feeling embarrassed about crying over nothing in front of everyone. They'd all arrived. From Ryan to Gerard and Zack. 

"Don't be embarrassed. We know you broke down because you kept everything bottled up inside. We get it, don't feel bad about it. We won't tease you or anything. School's been stressful. But you're not dropping out," She said.

"I can't do it," Brendon mumbled weakly. 

"I know, so you don't have to. But you should." She sat up. "What'd Pete do exactly?"

Brendon sniffled, and sat up, rubbing more tears away from his eyes and sighed. He curled his fist around his blank softly. 

"He just. He told everyone." Brendon frowned. "He took my phone, when Gabe texted me something about a club I should go to and it was a gay club and Pete found out and he just, he told everyone I was gay." 

"Oh." She mumbled.

"He cussed me out, threw my phone. Everyone knows and they're so mean. I didn't mind it too much, but he was just kissing Patrick. What's up with that?"

There was a sudden knock on the door, and then Ryan poked his head in. He bit his lip and smiled a bit, "Hey Bren." 

Ryan was cute, he had curly soft hair and he wore the weirdest outfits but he made them work. He had soft honey colored eyes, and thin soft lips. He had the most magnificent words too, he always knew. Always.

"Ry," Brendon whimpered, kicking his foot out slightly. He pouted slightly, making Ryan smile and walk in, shutting the door. He stayed by the door though, making contact with Halsey and they did some weird mind communication thing because then Halsey pecked Brendon's cheek and smiled at Ryan as she walked out. Ryan replaced her spot on the bed.

"Beebo, hey." He hugged him, arms around Brendon's waist. There were no butterflies, absolutely none.

"Ryan, I miss you." He replied, hugging back. 

"I miss you too, Bren.' Ryan laughed. "Oh and, I love you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it didn't come out as good as I hoped, but I hope you liked it either way!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey cool kid

"He said he loved you?"

"But I think he meant it as a friend." Brendon huffed. 

"And you don't want him to what?" Gabe frowned.

"Mean it as a friend. I really like him." He sighed.

"Awe, tiny Beebo has a massive love crush for the Ross machine." Gabe teased.

Brendon groaned, already regretting his decision to come to Gabe for help and advice. He had a better shot at having a normal conversation with William, but no, William just had to be visiting his grandparents in New York. 

"Gabe, really. Shut up, someone might hear you." Brendon whined, ignoring the way his cheeks were burning up.

"Awe, you're even blushing." Gabe laughed.

"Just shh." He groaned.

"Look, maybe he did mean it as more than a friend."

Brendon shrugged, no longer wanting to be on the topic. He'd been constantly thinking about it, and it was getting old. Besides, Ryan had acted as if nothing had really happened anyway, so he probably didn't mean anything by it. 

"Can we watch a movie?" He asked.

"Pick one, any one."

\- & -

School had changed for a while, because Pete had told the entire school that Brendon liked guys, and he said a few other things. The usual slurs for the ideal offensive thing to say to someone. The usual offensive terms.

Anyway, needless to say, people hadn't been so accepting or understanding of it. He mostly just got teased and pushed around by the jocks and anyone else who wanted to fit in. Some people made it pretty clear they hated him, others did it anonymously; only scribbling stuff on his locker or desk or shoving him when he wasn't paying attention. Even passing notes, which had gotten old very fast. He didn't miss the way everyone around him tried their best to stay away.

Gabe and William had been by his side constantly, same with Dallon and Spencer. Ryan would like to say he'd been there, but in all honesty, he sometimes just considered if it was worth it because he didn't want to be teased about hanging out with the lamest kid ever. In the end, he stayed by Brendon.

"Now that Pete has also come out," Brendon frowned. "Everyone is so much more accepting."

"Whats wrong with that?" Spencer frowned, looking up from his book.

"Nothing. I just, I wish people hadn't resented me when I was out." Brendon admitted sheepishly.

"That's true. No one should be teased for anything. Maybe Petes popularity accepted it more than the people did."

That could be true, though. Everyone had so sweetly accepted Pete and Patrick after Pete apologized to Brendon and came out as bisexual. Brendon had been forgotten entirely, as if he had not spent the past few weeks dealing with everyones shit.

"What about Patrick?" Brendon sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Well, I'd imagine its the fact that Pete is so close with Patrick, so he also got accepted." Spencer replied.

"So I just had to be popular?" 

"Pretty much." Spencer gave him a sad smile. 

"Well, whatever. At least they left me alone now." Brendon shrugged, fidgeting. 

It was quiet for a moment, and Brendon was lost in his thoughts. Some were about school, others were about his family - he hadn't heard of them since he'd been kicked out - and he wondered if he'd have the guts to stop by the house one day. 

"What're you thinking about?" Spencer questioned. 

Dammit Spencer.

"About you and Haley." Brendon smirked, laughing when Spencers face went red. 

He was alright for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more of a filler, i've been busy so sorry for not updating


	12. Now I'm Wondering

Lately, Brendon had been feeling more alone than usual. But he suspected it was the way he accidentally distanced himself from everyone sometimes. He wished he could hang out with them more, but he had a job, school and an apartment to balance all into one day. Sure, some days it was only school, or only his job but he used his extra time simply catching up on sleep. 

He got a new boss, and he was worse than the last one. He never accepted school as a reason to be late for work. He wouldn't switch Brendons shifts to suit him, so he'd be up late and up really early. By now, coffee didn't have much affect on him either.

"Maybe take a break?" Gerard had suggested, pencil never leaving his sketchbook.

"From what?" He asked.

"Work, school. You're so stressed out." Frank had spoken up, appearing beside Gerard.

It was a Friday, and Brendon had decided to take Gerard and Franks suggestions up anyway, taking off Friday from school and work, and even the weekend from work. His boss hadn't been happy about it, but Brendon couldn't have brought himself to really care. So he slept all of Friday, not bothering to get out of bed at all, not even to eat or reply to his texts because he was just too tired. 

Though, he hadn't expected to wake up the next morning with Halsey and Josh laughing on his couch. It took him a couple of seconds, but he also noticed Tyler and Jenna sitting on the floor, in front of the couch, giggling along with the two seated on the couch. 

"Oh, you're awake," Jenna smiled as soon as she saw him at the doorway, "We brought you some."

She held out a starbucks cup and Brendon crossed the floor, sitting beside her and thanking her as he grabbed it. He felt grateful for them to be in his life, because they had all always been so sweet to him.

"Sick hair," Tyler commented, grinning and giggling slightly.

"You're just jealous." Brendon teased.

"You werent at school yesterday, so we came to see how you were. Especially since you didn't even answer our calls and texts." Halsey faked disapproval and clicked her tongue, "So irresponsible."

"Oh shut it, I took the days off." He laughed, taking a sip of the smooth coffee.

"Ryan was really worried." Josh hummed, hiding a smile behind his coffee cup. 

Tyler made a sound that indicated agreement, while both girls in the room simply nodded, sharing a look. They talked about how Ryan had waited first period for him at his locker, and when he didn't show up, Ryan spent the entire day sulking.

"You're kidding," Brendon blushed. 

"Not one bit, actually." Halsey laughed, "He was so sad."

That bit of information may have made Brendon feel the best he'd ever felt. Even if he clearly knew he couldn't have a chance with Ryan. He was with Keltie, and she was everything that Brendon wasn't.

-&-

"And I'm Shane." The guy held his hand out, grinning widely.

"Brendon." He blushed. "Uhm, my name I mean."

Shane laughed and nodded, smiling. "I figured. It's a nice name."

Brendon smiled then, and thanked him again for catching him and helping him when he almost tripped over the laptop charger that he had not seen. It was mildly embarrassing, but he fell into Shane's arms and it was so very cliche.

Maybe he should come into the library to do homework more often.

"So you're okay then? You're not hurt or anything, right?" Shane asked, grinning still.

_Dont fall for him, dont fall for him. Wait - he just fell on him, rather than for him. Dammit, Brendon, quit thinking and reply quickly before he thinks you're too weird or just very creepy and he doesn't like you._

"Oh, I'm fine, thank you." He grinned sheepishly, standing straight.

"Sweet." He chuckled. "So, would you like to go out sometime?" 

_Wait. What._

"Me? Like on a date?" Brendon responded, surprised. "You and I?"

Shane laughed, "Yeah, you and I."

Brendon thought of Ryan, and he thought of his obsession with Ryan. But then he remembered Keltie and he could only find another reason to move on from Ryan. Ryan was straight and taken, and how could he get a chance with him?

"Of course," Brendon nodded.

"Cool, cool. Uhm, here's my number." Shane grinned, writing a few digits on a small post-it and handing it to him. "How about Sunday morning?"

_This is it, he's finally moving on with his life._

"Sounds perfect." He grinned.


End file.
